One way ticket to hell. And back.

When we planned this trip, we all agreed that, though we're on sort of a budget, we're too old to rough it. Hostels and home stays were nixed, and midrange resorts seemed to be the consensus. (Generally, I don't stay anywhere that is BYO toilet paper.) Our hotel in Chiang Mai, The Rim, was tres fab: in-suite massages, complementary bottles of wine, chilled lemongrass towels after hot outings, wifi, A/C, and all-you-can-use TP. We thought, surely everywhere in Thailand is this ritzy.

As scheduled, we checked out of The Rim yesterday morning after a breakfast of egg noodle soup with prawns, and were chauffeured in a roomy resort van north to our next destination. We convinced the driver to make a pit stop in Pai where we would fit in an elephant trek on the way. 2.5 hours of windy road later, we were face-to-trunk with our newest form of vehicular transport. The Mahouts (elephant operators) helped us -ahem- gracefully board the beasts bareback, and we took off for a one hour tour of the mountains. It wasn't really a comprehensive overview of the area since elephants walk at a rate of about 3 kilometers per hour, but it was well worth the laughs and photo opps.

Moving on. The Rim Driver Man drove us another 1.5 hours to the address of our next stay in a town called Ban Thom Lod in the north, not too far from the Burma border. I'm telling you, this place was in the middle of effing nowhere. Twice we had to stop at checkpoints so official-looking military men could make sure Driver Man wasn't trafficking Burmese refugees. Four gals with iPods and Pringles convinced him that we were indeed American. Our driver found the Cave Lodge (tricky, it's not on a map), and warily deposited us and our baggage at the main house. "House" gives the wrong impression. Let's call it, Rickety Platform with Thatch Roof and Stray Dogs.

Pat, the concierge/cook/bartender/maintenance person/cave tour guide led us to our accommodation. Advertised as a cool bungalow, the amenities were, how do I put this, "rustic." In Vanessa's words, "this is my personal version of hell." It all felt very, Deliverance. After the initial horror burned off, we promptly phoned The Rim, scheduled a pickup for the next afternoon, and booked two more days in Chiang Mai. DEETed and determined to discover why we chose this location in the first place, we ventured to Thom Lod cave at twilight to witness the daily commuter traffic of thousands of swifts. The cave is impressive, but it smells like guano. Somebody, Febreeze that.

Back at the Rickety Platform with Thatch Roof and Stray Dogs, we stuck out the evening with tofu, Taboo, and our newest friend:

 

Now we bring you a checklist for a bad night's sleep!

1. A monsoon, check!

2. The sound of gushing water from a shower that won't turn off, check!

3. Bug infestation, double check!

4. Cicadas the size of housecats that sound like they're sawing down the rainforest? Check!

5. And finally, barking gibbons between the hours of 4am and 8. CHECK.

We tore out of that "bungalow" this morning like our asses were on fire and parked ourselves and our bags under the Thatch Roof before the stray dogs were even awake. Pat escorted us on a tour of two caves: Meditation Cave, where we saw some huge stalagtites and bats, and Coffin Cave, accessible only by walking beneath the Thom Lod swift swarm (heads up!). All in all, very cool.

Rim Driver Man rescued us and we are now back at our oasis, The Rim, planning our next two days in Chaing Mai. Bliss.